i was fascinated with this man whom i thought was living the life i also want. he was calm, poised, ambitious, successful, sensual, assertive, sensitive, creative, and so on. the story about the us that never was is not what i want to focus on today. rather, i want to talk about what he taught me on praying —
“everything is a prayer.”
defining our wants, like sifting through chaff and weeds, and reaching for only fruits and plants in a harvest, is a prayer. it is a prayer to choose what you want, to know what you want, to be able to identify it out of the many that exist. because you tell yourself and God and the universe: here is what i desire, do it for me. saying, thinking, dreaming — i want a partner who is kind, real and sensitive. i want a great, big love — is a prayer. it is a prayer of the best kind to decide and say — i have looked all over and seen many options, and this is the one i want to be closest to.
Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash
lately (frankly, yesterday more intently), i thought about this form of prayer again. after several months and many life changes, including one where i realised i was trying to make myself worthy of him, while simultaneously feeling there was something engineered, plastic, about him. and after the big swerve where i started choosing myself and living out prayers about the life i really want. i am now thinking about intently filling my life with prayers — prayers that are gratitude for everything i have, am and will ever be.
prayers to mold my life: i am going to garden this morning
prayers to hone my skills and desires: i want to be a writer
prayers to love my body: i look good in the mirror; it’s totally normal to have breasts and a stomach like this
prayers to be disciplined: i will work for a few more hours regularly
prayers to love myself: i am trying now, and i will keep trying
prayers for honesty: this is not what i want
prayers to remain grounded: the sunset is so glorious today
i am learning to pray in the tongue that doesn’t condemn me, and it is moulding me into the person i choose to be.
and for that, nobe*
/no-bay/ meaning thank you
What a beautiful read. It’s 6:10 AM where I am and I haven’t journaled yet but I feel as though I have been given a prompt through your words.
Thank you for sharing them.
This is so beautiful, Ohotu